inspiration

i love every single sound in this song. lovely Lisa Hannigan's "Lille":

revisited

(snowy shot of my front yard)
I am doing a lot of revisiting lately.
Its winter break ( Hello Winter! It snowed 8 inches at my house yesterday) and I am back “home”. Although I feel much more at home and useful in Davis.

Being back, I am fighting off the same emotions and behaviors that I wrestled with growing up. It’s a hard place to live.
On the brightside, I am able to see my parents and do a lot of thinking and life-figuring-out.

I have an important scholarship to do, which means I need to revise my life plan and at least present a temporary plan in the form of an essay, as well as look back on what I have accomplished. This is something I have been avoiding, pushed to the back of my mind for later ruminating. But it really is time.

I have a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of phases and images that I want to be me, at least eventually. But I don’t know how to organize it all. I don’t know what things should be sacrificed at what things shouldn’t and who fits in here and where this puzzle piece goes.
All I know is that the Southwest Regional Baha’i Conference in LA last weekend allowed me to see a certain aspect in more clarity.
And now I am so in love and obsessed with that clear vision! The Picture is so much greater than me.

I can’t wait to start a junior youth group (something I’ve always wanted to do but somehow never did before) to build unity, do service, and empower the younger generation.

As a student I’ve always found difficulty in figuring out my balance (I say “my balance” because it really is different for everyone) between academia and my contribution to the Five Year Plan. I have placed myself in the “inadequate to mediumly-adequate” range for both. And I still don’t have it all figured out. I know studying is a in itself a service but, I find real difficulty in working effectively toward something I am not completely sure about.

I just have so much to become.
I have so much to better.

And I am craving to be a part of something that is bigger and much more far reaching and much more healing.
So I am ready to commit to some thing that I have been saying, thinking, and talking about for a few years now:
I am going to start planning a year-of-service for next year.
I wanted to say it here so that I would be reminded and would not be able to back out.
Honestly, I am so terrified. But I am excited. The only way to get past all these fears and weaknesses is to push through them. I don’t think I should put it off any longer. I feel that now is the time.

The funny thing about service is that, at least for me, I always judge myself… saying I am not ready or capable or strong enough or I don’t have the means, but I think that is a backwards way of looking at it. Selfless service is what MAKES us ready, capable, strong, and we are always provided for.

“O God, make me a hollow reed, from which the pith of self hath been blown so that I may become as a clear channel through which Thy Love may flow to others”

That has always been one of my favorites. And I feel more connected to it now. I read it with more clarity.


So all this effort I am putting into the scholarship may be in vain (financially anyway, since I will be taking a year off), but today I decided that I won’t worry about that anymore. Because like I said in my very first post… its more about the journey than the destination. And I really do believe that everything has a purpose.

The community of Davis has really lifted me up. I have never felt more at home or more in love with the people around me. Such a blessing! And I am so thankful. And I am ready to share that feeling with others. I’ll try anyway.

Growth.

P.S. if you read all that you are either amazing or really really bored... probably the former based on what I know about my readers. This was actually a really emotional post for me. I may have cried. Anyway, thank you. I applaud you! :)

true wealth

i am so inspired.
i am reconsidering the methods of measuring wealth and success:

"O My servants! Were ye to discover the hidden, the shoreless oceans of My incorruptible weath, ye would, of a certainty, esteem as nothing the world, nay entire creation"
-Baha'u'llah

what wealth is incorruptible and why would we spend time chasing anything else?

i am remembering my roots. my core.
keeping an eye on the horizon. realizing that the "right-now" is but one grain of sand.

much more to think than say

(isn't this the most amazing room?)
im going through a quiet spell.
a period of processing.


minds get tangled but hearts are never confused.
sometimes its hard to know the different between feelings.

i have this song on repeat:

"Bob" by The Dodos:

I've got a lot to prove, I need to tell you
I've played the part of cool, it's what I sell you
I listen good, I listen well
You're old and you have much to tell
So come out of your quiet spell
I know she screams, I know she yells
I've seen it too, I know it well
So while she's gone I'll entertain you

There's not a lot that I could write about you
Your name is Bob, you smoke a pipe, it's what it amounts to
But we're the same, we are one piece
We're victims of the same disease
You deal with her I'll deal with ease
You sit and stare off into space
You've got much more to think of then say
I know you won't but you want to

You spend your time you spend my life stuck in your room
I take it hard because I tried to get you out to
To have a stroll, to have a talk
About your world, about the laws
That keep you stuck, that keep you locked
I know it's hard for you to change
Before we part our separate ways
You need to know, I understand you



its really beautiful. life is. still is. silence is.
i am taking slow, deep breaths.

this weekend i would really like to be outside. take some pictures. explore.

fate and chemistry

Dearest General Chemsitry,

Do I love you because I understand you, or do I understand you because I love you? I just feel so attracted to you. You have always been a source of comfort and a buffer to my GPA. Thank you. I have enjoyed every moment we have shared together. We experimented and I loved watching your reactions. Our love is spontaneous and colorful and hot (exothermic). But as I move on to OChem next quarter, our time together must come to a close. I will remember the good times/exam scores, and the memory of you will make me strong. You inspire my and lift me up, encouraging to love and learn. There will always be special place for you in my heart.

Yours Truly,
Lily

P.S. The Periodic Table of Elements is one of the most incredible things ever! You are incredible.



Readers, if you love Chemistry and the British and want to learn and have a chuckle/ if you are a dork (as am I), visit/bookmark this website:

There's a video fro every element! YIPEEEEEE!

Here's a taste:
The Fe video

Isn't that guy funny! Did you catch the funny noise that toy made when he grabbed it to demonstrate the unusual structure of the iron tetracarbonyl molecule. HAHA! I love Iron!

so much LOVE

"Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time."
-Abdu’l-Baha

i love!
i feel so much love right now! i am overcome by this intense feeling of joy.


things from today that reminded me that i love:
I LOVE:
1. people. everyone around me is so beautiful and perfect. a reflection. i love!
2. learning.
3. good conversation. and i need for stimulating and intimate talks with everyone and anyone. i love.
4. music that you can breathe to. i like it even more than music you can sing to.. sometimes. i love.
5. devoting myself. even if for just a minute. meditation. i love.
6. experiences and looking back and analyzing. i love.
7. friends that build you up. make you feel strong. help you be. i love love love!
8. when there is work to be done. no matter how much i tell myself i hate it. i do. i love.
9. Allah'u'Abha! the perfection that lies in every single moment. even the the lowest point in your life, especially in hindsight, hold some kind of divine perfection. i love! i love! i love!

i am excited for life!

small things...

... in stature (aka miniatures) and/or as far as the value society puts on them, i love them.

season of change and fall

i love autumn.
a season of change.
we start school up again. wardrobe changes. leaves change or fall.
i also love making seasonal playlists.

change has seemed to be a running theme throughout my posts and the other day i realized something.

one day last week i decided to walk to class, seeing as i live right across the street from campus and just a few blocks from where all my classes are congregated. It was the first truly cold day. i like walking once in a while when i am not in a rush, that way i can enjoy the scenery and listen to feel-good music.

so i was walkin' along when a certain song came on. "cold december" by matt costa. a rush of memories. sensory recall. all that i had associated with that song (as i listened to it obsessively) a year ago. its just funny to think that the state you are in , so strongly effects your perception/interpretation of all things ( thank you psych 1). i am in a different place. using this song as a marker by which to judge.

anyway i am feeling festive. bring on the boots and scarves! happy fall!

be ok

fun song from the lovely ingrid michealson.
it makes me want a ukulele.
there are so many instrument that i want to play. but i gotta purchase them first. D:
in order:
1. tambourine
2. ukulele/sitar
3. harmonica

i heart wilber

so my friend farid was telling me about a story he wrote personifying the seasons, mother earth, and the sky and i remember this great song. one memory lead to another and oh man! one of the best movies of all time has got to be Charlotte's Web circa 1972. such great songs. I am now obsessed, and oh my gosh i had such a crush on henry. i definitely wanted a pet pig after this movie. and i cried so much when fern ( great name btw) had to give wilber away. I am pretty sure my mom got the movie for free for buying a carl's jr. meal in the 90s. those were the days, eh? debbie reynolds! thats quality. anyway it was one of my childhood favorites so naturally, the admiration has lived on through the years. sorry if you think this i totally lame. but i really want to learn how to play these two songs:

great things

Luckily life is full of all these little (huge) things that make it so enjoyable.

Here is a list of some of the greatest things I have ever sensed:

 

1.   Splashing through cool water on a hot day./A Hot drink when it’s cold. Warming up your fingertips.

2.   The squeak of guitar strings as fingers move from fret to fret.

3.   The vibrations of sounds and how those waves move everything in their presence and then slowly fade out.

4.   “Trash” turned into treasure. (e.g. couch made entirely out of newspaper, old clothes reinvented)

5.   A breeze running through your hair, as you breathe deep, arms outstretched, taking in an incredible view.

6.   Digging toes into sand.

7.   Lying in the sun. Feeling the healing rays slowly form a warm blanket around your entire body.

8.   A hug from a child. (and not a forced one materializing because their mom old them to. A hug because they just had such a great time with you)

9.   Sharing everything and having someone understand.

10.     Being so full of joy that the only thing you can do is cry. And not caring if your mascara runs./Crying and not caring if your mascara runs because you’re not wearing any./Crying because you feel for someone else’s pain.

11.     Surprise endings.

12.     Achieving the impossible.

13.     Being so overcome by something that you feel tightness in your chest and you lose your breath. (happens to me a few times a year)

14.     Life proving, once again, that things tend to fall perfectly in place when you let go.

15.     Going somewhere alone and being fine with your lack of companionship.

16.     Knowing that there are people that love you unconditionally.

17. Realizing that for the first time you fully, truly, and completely understand a common idea that was always stored in the back of your mind. And suddenly, the worlds makes so much more sense (an epiphany perhaps?).

18.  The inexplicable connection between souls striving under the same Great Cause. The love that runs so deep. It makes an only child think,“this must be what having a sister/brother feels like.” And no one questions the love one has for another because all know that each would gladly give their lives for the other. No need for words.

19.     True pure sincere kindness. Making strangers feel like family. So welcome and so loved.

20.     Being able to hear and learn about another’s beliefs/insights and sharing in an atmosphere of complete love, understanding, and appreciation.

21.     Unity and all that is involved and all that follows. 

sounds like summer

(on a lighter note after the last post.)

"middle distance runner" by sea wolf ( one of my favs right now. thanks steve.)
to me, this song sounds like summer. or sounds like fall? i cant decide. actually i think this sounds like the end of summer/ almost fall. so, it sounds like right now. sorry i couldnt find a non-live version.
what do you think? summer or fall?

Babyland

I watched a special on ABC a few nights ago called Babyland.
Outside Memphis, there is a cemetery filled with tiny coffins. And so the nickname given my local residents, Babyland.

The poverty-stricken intercity areas have the highest infant mortality rates ( over 200 a year just in that area, 100 more than deaths from homicide in the area). Post-traumatic stress from seeing crime and homicides happen in broad daylight can cause miscarriages or other complications. And young single moms don't generally receive prenatal care, hence there is a very high number of very premature births. The women and girls are not educated or supported. The thing about those who live in poverty is, they generally don't feel entitled to things like health care or a higher standard of living because they have never experienced that. And so the cycle of poverty continues.

It really broken my heart to see these people being denied and this problem being ignored (a definite prejudice, whether racial or financial). There were others trying to do what they could to help. Nurses making home visits to expecting young moms (12-13 years and older). But with continuous budget cuts, this was becoming increasingly difficult. Anyway, it really spoke to me and I wanted to share this information. I think I know what I want to do in my life.

charmed by the street

so, tv these days. its really not what it used to be. the media is becoming increasingly poisonous, year by year.

hennyways, i stumbled upon Sesame Street the other day (dont judge me!). I was curious to see what, if anything, had changed. to my surprise many of the old classic charaters (e.g. cookie monster, oscar the grouch, and the big hairy elephant guy that was bigbird's friend) were replace with new characters! bleh! not to mention bert and ernie are clay-mation now! oh the humanity!

i then began to reminisce, recalling some of the vintage tunes and vids from when i was a youngster. I actually remembered the songs and lyrics which lead my to search youtube.

here are some samplers of some of those classics:

sea glass

I am sea glass.

Tumbled and thrown.

Extremes.

Sands smooth rough edges.
Anew.

The sea holds mystery and danger. Something beautiful.

Elation: I am so happy! At this very moment nothing particularly is happening. My days are not filled with any special adventure or excitement, but I am not bored. I am joyfully preparing.

Reflecting: A mountain and redwoods, love, service and self.
I am so purely and truly happy. I feel that I am progressing, shedding layers of self.

I have never before experienced this kind of change, a change so noticeable and perceivable and true. It is very exciting, stunningly so.

Somehow I have always associated Northern California with a higher nature, a high standard in many ways. A refuge. And now I call it "home".

Bosch was different this year. In so many ways. It always is. I discovered so much in those two weeks about myself, life, and truth. And for the first time, I was truly able to bring that indescribably feeling down the mountain with me. Bosch and that feeling and His love reside in my heart permanently. And for the first time I feel that the person I was on the mountain is the person I am right now and the person I will be in a few months.

Layers that covered me, veils, have been removed more rapidly though my experiences (in the past couple year in particular), relationships, and most of all service. Now, what is important is so clear to me. Almost a clairvoyance. And I am so excited and overjoyed to think that I will continue to shed these layers, coming ever closer to my true self, which, ironically enough, is self-less.

a horrifying and insulting yet honest mistake

this is how i feel:


A copy+paste of a facebook message:



AHHHHHHHH!HHHH!H!HH!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
steve! i just did the dumbest thing. made an utterly horrifying mistake! oh my gosh im all squirmy and full of anxiety now!

ok. ready? so ive been trying to look up jobs ya know. so i was applying to a couple, emailing for more information and, sending my resume. urrrgh! so i sent this email in response to a post for a student lab assistant in mr.bevins (microbiology and immunology) lab. someone to wash dishes and do powerpoints and stuff.. idk. it said to contact Hui Chu for more information. so i sent an email starting "dear mr.chu" . i looked it over and right when i hit send, i thought "ohhhh CRAP! what if Hui Chu is not a man!?!"

so i googled the name and found out that Huitung Chu is a FEMALE grad student!!!!!!! AHHHHHH! what a nightmare. oh man! so then i sent a follow-up email apologizing and saying i am so sorry 1000000000000 times. i dont know what else to do. i am soooo embarrassed and ashamed.

so anyway, on the website that had MS. Chu's pic and info... i scrolled down wondering if all immunology grad students were on there and then i saw your pic!! :) haha. nice one btw. and then i thought i need to tell you how stupid i am and how i have no chance at this really cool job because attention to detail in important in a lab and i am an idiot who calls girls "mr". so here i am.

on a lighter note, i really am craving some live music and i cant wait for T.I. music fest. i guess thats all. perhaps i will post this as a blog. ugh!

union

I went to two weddings in the last two weeks.

Unfortunately, I really only took pictures at one.

Both ceremonies were pretty simple. modest. beautiful.

I really liked that.

Here are some snapshots.

Thank you, Consequence

I have gone south for summer.
Late, on the drive home from the airport, right as we turned onto my street, I saw a glorious (some call them "falling"... I prefer) shooting-star that travel quite a distance across the sky.

I am home.
I am from a place where there are few streetlights. And so when the sun goes down, the stars shine bright.
I feel so far away from where I've been. And everything I associate with "home" feels like a distant memory that I am trying to remember.
And I am trying, again, to fit in.

During my first year of school I felt many things. Possibly more emotions than I have ever felt in the span of 365 days.
In order: excitement. nervous butterflies. hope. optimism. love. welcome. friendship. love. fufilment. service. wonderment. heart-break... (band-aid). intriuge. questioning. intruige. knowledge. tolerance. love. fun. travel. vulnerability. stress. heart-break. disgust. helplessness. attatchment. support. detatchment. devotion. love. independence. responsibility. rhythm. peace. friendship. faith. love.

Thank you, Consequence. (and thank you Alanis Morissette, for that line)

I am so thankful that Davis has opened its arms and welcomed me with such embracing and strong, over-whelming, conquer-all LOVE!
I've such great friends. souls. loving resources. But I am still learning. I trust easily, but I am not one to ask for support.

In retrospect and introspect I have come to some realizations. These are things I have always known and held important, but this year especially has shown that:

1.) Happiness is love. Love is service.

2.)Good things come to those who wait.

3.) Everything happens for a reason and the universe is perpetually working in your favor.

my voice

i created this blog on a whim.

we all want to be heard.

 

more often than not, i can't find find the right words, phrases, letters, hand gestures, or sweet dance moves to express how i feel.  my voice assuredly shakes in front of an unfamiliar crowd. and sometimes i speak too softly. too quiet. too meek.

i'm not much of a writer either. except in times of over overwhelming emotion and/or early-hour inspiration. 

but melodies, harmonies and sounds are old friends of mine. they understand. 

this is how i feel at this very moment:

this blog holds much promise. i am a wayfarer. and this is my journey. a translation from thoughts to fonts. we shall see where this takes us. and yet.. i've always thought it to be more about the journey than the destination.