this man!

THE BQE- A Film By Sufjan Stevens from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

to do list

feels good to know

lets be honest.
ive been trying to feel happy and feel like my normal optimistic, joyful, balanced, penetratingly happy, and in-awe-of-every-moment self, that i have become so accustomed to, for a few months now. and it has felt like such a drag. i know i must have been weighing others down as well.

from the beginning of summer until yesterday i have been feeling "off" , for lack of a better term. i didnt know what to do or how to again feel normal. equilibrium. with me if im sad or tired, i just become very quiet. i was feeling blank like i had nothing to say. and much of the time i felt like my thoughts and head were empty. void. so strange. i finally figured it all out. and my realization is so ripe. i can finally see it. analyze it. express it.

today after my first exam of the school year, i wrote two songs. for the first time all summer i just had time. it felt so good. so natural. so therapeutic.

so.
it started in the beginning of summer. i was taking a couple summer school classes. my dad lost his job. i got a job at a elderly residential home. the first week i worked 52 hours. i fell behind. my performance in classes was the most disappointing i have ever experienced and i took it hard. it felt like such a waste but i eventually pushed past it, though not without an eminent fear of future failure and self-doubt.

i decided to dis-enroll in the second session of summer school and was called upon to serve at Bosch for jr youth week. i wish i would have had a reflective post after Bosch. it was intense. and wonderful. i learned so much, but never really had the chance to fully digest what i had experienced or how i had been changed.

a few weeks later, i went to utah to visit family and attend my cousin's wedding.
it was so amazing to spend that time with family and finally initiate those relationships as an individual rather than just as my stepfather's daughter. it felt so good to belong. when i have longed for almost my entire life to have closeness to extended family. i got to spend some time with my adorable little second cousins ( 8 months, 2.5 and 5 years) and they loved me back, which is basically the best feeling in THE WORLD!!!

from utah i went home to SoCal for a few days and just as i caught up on sleep, my dear aunt Patty, who had cancer in all her major organs for over a year, pasted away. My dad left his training for a new job, rented a car, and we drive back to utah, a few days before the funeral, to be with family. i really tried to be strong to support my him as i knew this was REALLY hard for him. for he was so close to his "baby" sister. the memorial service was beautiful and brought closure. i was sad about all the things i hadn't said to her, how i never called or visited, but i knew aunt Patty didnt have to feel pain or suffer anymore and that she knows how much i love and admire her.

as soon as things finished at the cemetery my dad and i drove home and he rushed back to work. i was at home for a few days. a friend's daughter past away at the age of 25 and from that I funeral returned to davis to meet my roommates and take a little trip to seattle. it was a great time in seattle! such beautiful places and people! the hospitality there was more than i could have ever imagined. a conversation brought up thoughts about my biological father and how i am probably not fully healed from that situation yet. while in the pacific NW, i felt like i had done a disservice to myself and the people i was around because i still wasnt "me". still wasnt healed. i tried not to be, i didnt want to be, but i was quiet.

from seattle i flew back home to spend some time with my mama before school started. as my parent picked me up from the airport we got in a car accident. on the freeway we were hit from behind and our car was totaled. still, there was much to be thankful for. no broken bones, no blood, and though the car started to fill with exhaust while we were still in it,the car didnt explode. we were all together when it happened which unfortunately meant we all have considerable back injury but fortunately meant we were able to support each other. int he next week i watched my parents struggle and stress about the accident, finding a new car, doctors appt, chiropractor, should we get a lawyer, will insurance pay for this and that, how to obtain a reliable vehicle. being there for extended periods of time tends to bring on a bit of hopelessness and i begin to feel trapped.

i escaped back to davis the night before school started. craving some quality interaction. a good conversation.

so summer was eventful. it was alot. it was fast.
there were just a lot of little unexpected tests. they didnt seem to phase me individually but i suppose they build up. unresolved. kinda crushed me. and i had to dig my way out.

lesson learned: give yourself time. give yourself space. to feel. to heal.

a day or two ago, i had a big turning point. i am thinking about the year of service i want to so after graduation. i found out about a masters program that i am really interested in. im really excited about it and i am taking steps and opportunities to prepare and get the right experience. I think today was the first day that i felt truly and deeply like myself again. a happy and joyful being. (in a way, to not be seems selfish, at least for me) summers are a trying time. autumn is my favorite season.

thank you to all my amazing friends. who have supported me. i know i am never alone. and neither are you.


i know i am growing. i know i have big dreams. i know i am blessed. I am excited for the future!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU ABOUT HOW CRAZY AND GOOD LIFE IS!

grace

again

so maybe i like making lists.
here's another list of thoughts circulating currently:

1. things feel heavy right now. but im still very happy and thankful.

2. why would anyone choose to be jealous or put people down when you can share in their joy and encourage them?

3. recently, i have had moments of feeling speechless or blank.

4. i am trying to naturalize my life.

5. i want to have a conversation. it seems like there is no time.

6. the most beautiful thing in, my eyes, is motherhood. the way mothers give their everything for their children. this is one reason i like the artist alela diane. her music glorifies a matriarchal view of family. like the idea of a mother passing the art of singing on to here daughter and subsequently, the daughter teaching her daughter to sing. LOVE IT!

7. percussion and brass.

8. weird how i have similar ideas almost everytime i write a post: i will not want, there's so much to be done, i want to be better in so many ways, i want to tell someone everything.

9. my friends is GIVING me a road bike and im PUMPED. (pun)

10. for halloween i will be a spin-off of raggedy anne. meaning i will be all DOLLED up. (pun)

11. bring love into the world. you were "created to show love, one to another."

12. it's so amazing when you feel extremely connected to someone, even if you hardly know them.

13. " Tenderness and kindness are not signs ot weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions." -Kalil Gibran

14. " but i was so much older then, im younger than that now." bob dylan knows whas up!

15. i have never felt like an only child or the only anything. we are all brothers and sisters.

16. i used to be clever.

17. i love to cut and glue. i really truly do.

18. my heart sings with much more bravado than my mouth.

19. i figured out that personally, i can't do anything well if im not "feeling" it. my heart and mind have to be in it and i have to be balanced.