revisited

(snowy shot of my front yard)
I am doing a lot of revisiting lately.
Its winter break ( Hello Winter! It snowed 8 inches at my house yesterday) and I am back “home”. Although I feel much more at home and useful in Davis.

Being back, I am fighting off the same emotions and behaviors that I wrestled with growing up. It’s a hard place to live.
On the brightside, I am able to see my parents and do a lot of thinking and life-figuring-out.

I have an important scholarship to do, which means I need to revise my life plan and at least present a temporary plan in the form of an essay, as well as look back on what I have accomplished. This is something I have been avoiding, pushed to the back of my mind for later ruminating. But it really is time.

I have a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of phases and images that I want to be me, at least eventually. But I don’t know how to organize it all. I don’t know what things should be sacrificed at what things shouldn’t and who fits in here and where this puzzle piece goes.
All I know is that the Southwest Regional Baha’i Conference in LA last weekend allowed me to see a certain aspect in more clarity.
And now I am so in love and obsessed with that clear vision! The Picture is so much greater than me.

I can’t wait to start a junior youth group (something I’ve always wanted to do but somehow never did before) to build unity, do service, and empower the younger generation.

As a student I’ve always found difficulty in figuring out my balance (I say “my balance” because it really is different for everyone) between academia and my contribution to the Five Year Plan. I have placed myself in the “inadequate to mediumly-adequate” range for both. And I still don’t have it all figured out. I know studying is a in itself a service but, I find real difficulty in working effectively toward something I am not completely sure about.

I just have so much to become.
I have so much to better.

And I am craving to be a part of something that is bigger and much more far reaching and much more healing.
So I am ready to commit to some thing that I have been saying, thinking, and talking about for a few years now:
I am going to start planning a year-of-service for next year.
I wanted to say it here so that I would be reminded and would not be able to back out.
Honestly, I am so terrified. But I am excited. The only way to get past all these fears and weaknesses is to push through them. I don’t think I should put it off any longer. I feel that now is the time.

The funny thing about service is that, at least for me, I always judge myself… saying I am not ready or capable or strong enough or I don’t have the means, but I think that is a backwards way of looking at it. Selfless service is what MAKES us ready, capable, strong, and we are always provided for.

“O God, make me a hollow reed, from which the pith of self hath been blown so that I may become as a clear channel through which Thy Love may flow to others”

That has always been one of my favorites. And I feel more connected to it now. I read it with more clarity.


So all this effort I am putting into the scholarship may be in vain (financially anyway, since I will be taking a year off), but today I decided that I won’t worry about that anymore. Because like I said in my very first post… its more about the journey than the destination. And I really do believe that everything has a purpose.

The community of Davis has really lifted me up. I have never felt more at home or more in love with the people around me. Such a blessing! And I am so thankful. And I am ready to share that feeling with others. I’ll try anyway.

Growth.

P.S. if you read all that you are either amazing or really really bored... probably the former based on what I know about my readers. This was actually a really emotional post for me. I may have cried. Anyway, thank you. I applaud you! :)