grace

again

so maybe i like making lists.
here's another list of thoughts circulating currently:

1. things feel heavy right now. but im still very happy and thankful.

2. why would anyone choose to be jealous or put people down when you can share in their joy and encourage them?

3. recently, i have had moments of feeling speechless or blank.

4. i am trying to naturalize my life.

5. i want to have a conversation. it seems like there is no time.

6. the most beautiful thing in, my eyes, is motherhood. the way mothers give their everything for their children. this is one reason i like the artist alela diane. her music glorifies a matriarchal view of family. like the idea of a mother passing the art of singing on to here daughter and subsequently, the daughter teaching her daughter to sing. LOVE IT!

7. percussion and brass.

8. weird how i have similar ideas almost everytime i write a post: i will not want, there's so much to be done, i want to be better in so many ways, i want to tell someone everything.

9. my friends is GIVING me a road bike and im PUMPED. (pun)

10. for halloween i will be a spin-off of raggedy anne. meaning i will be all DOLLED up. (pun)

11. bring love into the world. you were "created to show love, one to another."

12. it's so amazing when you feel extremely connected to someone, even if you hardly know them.

13. " Tenderness and kindness are not signs ot weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions." -Kalil Gibran

14. " but i was so much older then, im younger than that now." bob dylan knows whas up!

15. i have never felt like an only child or the only anything. we are all brothers and sisters.

16. i used to be clever.

17. i love to cut and glue. i really truly do.

18. my heart sings with much more bravado than my mouth.

19. i figured out that personally, i can't do anything well if im not "feeling" it. my heart and mind have to be in it and i have to be balanced.

The Providence Effect

"Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit there from."
— Baháʼuʼlláh

http://www.theprovidenceeffect.com/



Let's change the world.

come on courage

awake. i am in my bathroom.
there are people sleeping in every room but here.
i cant sleep.
there is so much in my head.

first day of classes tomorrow.
i have so much in my life sort to out. settle. organize.
its time for me to be courageous. to heal.
as much as i want to tell someone everything that has happened in my life up to this point, i know i have to find my own way. by myself, but not alone. trusting in God.

there's a saying i really like:
" there once was a man who complained about having no shoes. then, he meet a man with no feet"

summer has always been a time of revisiting for me.
in this season, i sometimes feel trapped by the lack of distraction from the biggest hole inside me.
one of the few stretches of time i spend in solitude. i feel so much but struggle to express it.

this summer has been truly incredible! I am so lucky. i saw beautiful places and faces. dont get me wrong, i have experienced great joy. but it has also been filled with lots and lots of tiny tests. each one individually didn't seem to phase me. but they built up, on top of me to the point where i could no longer decipher or articulate my feelings. and i fell into a sort of silence that i am not a fan of. anxiety?

i expect fall to be very therapeutic in many ways.
some plans include:
-taking a ballet class ( because ive wanted to since i stop at age 9)
-taking a yoga class ( good for the healing of my back)
-chiropractor visits ( yay massages sorta)
-counseling? ( to heal. its time)

i am not ashamed.
i am proud of who i am. what i am striving to become.
sometimes the timing is off, so you have to move on.

there is so much i want to do.
there are so many opportunities to service and growth.
i am in a good place.
i am truly blessed.
i am so thankful!
i know there is divine perfection in every single moment.
especially the trying ones.
but now its time for me to be strong.
deep breath.
ok.

On The Physics and Spirit of Waves

Late-night Thoughts:

I am made of waves. Rays. Light.
This body is molecules attracted. Unity keeps this body together.

Emotion comes in waves. Waves lap. Waves breathe in and out again. Eroding. Bettering. Perfecting. Smoothing.


These thoughts come in waves. Progress. Build on each other.
Until all these waves become one understanding. We attain the ocean. And we dive in.
And we are gone. Gone on.


These sounds are waves. Vibrations.
They penetrate though everything material. Transcend and ascend.
I am affected throughout.

These words are waves.
Feelings to thoughts, thoughts to words or deeds or type.
Traveling in waves. They reach you. We all try to decipher the waves. Uncode.
Close your eyes. Breathe deep and slow. Listen without ears. Meditate.

This love is a wave. Powerful. All-encompassing.
This love wasn’t always mine. It was poured into my cup.
So I’m “moving waters shore to shore”*.
This flow. Circulation. Our waves. Our purpose.


* bon iver song “ flumes”

little bird

jou jou
do want:

hey. ok...

... im thinking:

-summer.
-im in a really good place.
-got lots of adventures planned. SO EXCITED!
-cant wait to see my fam.
-i feel ready for something. i dont really know what it is... but im ready. anxiously so.
-i dont want to compete. that was never me.
-waiting is hard.
-back to this time last year... DANG! ive grown and i like it.
-im good at encouraging, bad at comforting.
-im good at being calm/flexible, bad at being sure.
-im scared. ...but im brave. and im strong most of the time.
-i want to write another song. but it has to be meaningful.. which is harder.
-i really missed taking photos. so therapeutic to look at the world that way.
-im not in school, but theres so much to do.. and yet im beginning to feel bored. (so strange)
-i think banjo and harp are the most beautiful instruments... oh and pan flute... ooo and steel drums!
-i learned so much at Bosch this summer ( more such reflections coming soon).
-i feel like i miss everyone i know!
-im really gonna miss kelsey!