i will surge but i will not rage

its funny how all tests seem to boil down to expose one fundamental weakness. as if each ache attempts to chip away at this heavy chain, year after year. i am my own shackles, and i am so stubborn. here it goes.

i will surge but i will not rage.

slight

a list of words that are inside of me:

slight
self
slits
imperfect
touch
unsure
sun
wary
worn
heavy
young
hesitate
history
breathe



i have finished finals and i feel stunned numb by this quarter and how quickly time passes.
i often regret that i am not better at expressing myself.
i feel confined.



i need my redwoods.

warpaint

this is the most attractive/sultry music video ever:

just fantastic:

i need more trees

the kindest voice

she is the cutest. and her voice is as sweet and natural as breathing.

Priscilla Ahn » Benji Hughes from The Voice Project on Vimeo.

genius next door

someday, i will wake up.

i am usually very good at keeping it together. remaining unaffected by turmoil around or disappointment within. unaffected by transitory things and focusing on my goal to love and serve humanity.

but some times, usually while studying for an calculus, ochem, or biochem exam, i get caught up in me. i ask myself why? why did i subject myself to one of the hardest science majors possible at the expense on my delicate GPA? and what? what am i doing? it is so hard to be hopeful and sure when your performance is so below your expectation for yourself.

this quarter is half over and i've barely had time to take a deep breath. i will be graduating next year and, as excited as i am, that scares me.

i need patience, peace. steadfastness. focus. in every sense on every words.
i will always be comforted by the fact that when i need them most, the perfect prayers seem to reach me when i search for them.

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O kind Lord! O Comforter of anguished hearts! Send down Thy mercy upon us, and Thy grace, bestow upon us patience, give us the strength to endure. With Thy generous hand, lay Thou a balm upon our sores, grant us a medicine for this never-healing woe. Console Thou Thy loved ones, comfort Thy friends and handmaids, heal Thou our wounded breasts, and with Thy bounty's remedy, restore our festering hearts.
With the gentle breeze of Thy compassion, make fresh and green again these boughs, withered by autumn blasts; restore Thou to flourishing life these flowers, shrivelled by the blight of bereavement.
With tidings of the Abha Paradise, wed Thou our souls to joy, and rejoice Thou our spirits with heartening voices from the dwellers in the realm of glory. Thou art the Bounteous, Thou art the Clement; Thou art the Bestower, the Loving.

-Bahiyyih Khanum

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regina spektor. so many great, emotionally-charged songs. some of my favorites on my mind right now :
"chemo limo"
"somedays" and
"genius next door"
these songs, her voice, her passion persuade me to tears. she is unafraid.



so i am pushing through. here i go. wish me luck.

grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

warm skin. peaches. pastels. pie. freckles. strolls. salt and sand. twirls. braids. blooms. bare feet. baby animals.